Tips for Platinum Games

So, I hear you’re doing a game headed by Shinji Mikami and Goichi Suda? OBVIOUSLY, it’s God Hand 2/GODHAND II/God Hands/GAWDHANNTOO. Why? Because you want to make me happy. The main thing that was missing from God Hand was No More Heroes, and the main thing that was missing from No More Heroes was God Hand, so it’s an obvious option (despite the fact that you don’t own the licence and can’t actually release a sequel, blah blah blah…). Before you do though, make sure all of these things are in your game. It’s what you need to do to finally make a game that’s better than Snatcher, killer7 and MetalGear 2: Solid Snake:

• When you kill an enemy, you should be able to jump on their face with your arms raised celebration
• You should be able to use “MANNONs” (MAn caNNONs)
• Jean-Phillippe Brisco from Michigan: Report From Hell should be in the game
• Jean-Phillippe Brisco should be played by the cheap, shitty actor from the PAL version of Michigan: Report From Hell
• You should fight a man who has a knife in his shoe
• You should be able to punch Jean-Phillippe Brisco
• You should be able to throw poisonous snakes at people
• Bear-tank from Rakuga Kids and Konami Krazy Racers should be a playable character
• You should be able to push Jean-Phillippe Brisco into spikes
• There should be a “Dog Ending”
• Saving your game in God Hand 2 should allow you to play as Jean-Phillippe Brisco in every Super Smash Bros. game
• There should be a boss character who pluralises words incorrectly (i.e. “sheeps”, “mans”, etc.)
• The Mad Midget Five should re-appear with full face-deformation physics applied when you punch them in the face
• You should be allowed to kill children in one punch (oh come on, MetalGear 2 did it!)
• Ayame Blackburn should NOT be in the game
• There should be a very strange line of dialogue that could be misunderstood as a Flashback reference
• There should be a level set in a Bernard Matthews’ farm
• You should have an option to play nothing but “The Seeker” by The Who and “My Size” by John Entwistle as the BGM (this should actually be an obvious option on the title screen)
• God Hand 2 should be compatible with the Steel Battalion controller
• You should KEEP YOUR FUCKING ABILITIES WHEN YOU REPLAY THE GAME
• There should be an option to play a 2D version of the game (possibly a Sonic 2 hack)
• The whole of Channel 4’s “Bodyshock: The 4ft 2 Year-Old” should appear as an unlockable movie
• You should win real money for playing the game
• There should be a triple-pack that includes the Japanese, American and European versions of the game
• There should be an enemy who tells you to “Get lost, Wisp!” (not Jean-Phillippe Brisco)
• Every second enemy should still tell say “You’re not Alexander”, but there should be more distortion on the voices (extremely high pitched voices, very echoey voices, computerised voices, etc.)
• God Hand 2 should be the same length as God Hand, but should get longer when you want to replay it.
• God Hand 2 should be released on MSX2, Neo Geo Pocket Color, Wii, Mega CD and PlayStation 3 in a 4-month games drought.

Do all of this and you will have made the greatest game thing ever. Please try.

EDIT- In fact, you might as well not do that.  Just make something that was as good as killer7.